If I Were King

I want to be KING of the universe. Not queen. Queen sounds like second-in-command and I want to be in control of everything. (My husband calls me The Dutchess but this is not nearly good enough. I have tried to insist that he call me The Goddess instead. For some reason, this only gets me a laugh.)

1) If I were King, I'd make sure that Karma was a total bitch. And Karma would work INSTANTLY. Not in some future lifetime. I believe if someone is an ass, they should be amply punished. Right away. Not get away with it. And never, ever, ever should anyone who is being an ass be rewarded for that behavior.

2) If I were King, stuff would be made well and everything would last a lifetime. If you bought a phone or a computer or a toaster, those appliances would never break down or need to be replaced. Sorry to all the Maytag repairmen. You would not exist.

3) If I were King, each human would be born with an animal soulmate. This animal would live the exact same amount of years, months, days, and hours as its human. If you were a dog person, then your soulmate would be a dog. Horse person, you get a horse. Yes, you only get one animal soulmate, so don't get greedy. At least you never have to put your soulmate to sleep. The two of you will pass away simultaneously. And peacefully. There will be no violent death in my kingdom. (Only torture for those who are asses. See paragraph #1.)

4) If I were King, pollution would be extinct. All travel would be accomplished by teleporting, which requires no form of fossil fuel. (Or you could ride your horse/soulmate.)

5) If I were King, there would be no war. If you insist on fighting with others, you will first be tortured (see paragraph #1 again) and then exiled to Antarctica for all of eternity. You can fight with each other down there. Don't forget your coat.

6) If I were King, winter would last one month. Not a minute longer. The extra months would be divided evenly between spring and summer. If you are one of those crazies who likes the hideous white stuff that falls from the sky, you can join the other crazies in Antarctica. (See paragraph #5.)

7) If I were King, all food would be grown organically. Even McDonald's would only sell grass-fed burgers and pasture-raised chicken nuggets with organic apple slices. Oh, and while we're on the subject of food, all delicious treats would be low-calorie and healthy. Obesity would be a thing of the past.

As you can see, my kingdom would be a fabulous place to live. As long as you agree with me on all issues. If you don't, please review paragraph #1.