How to Hold a Grudge

I'm reading How to Hold a Grudge: From Resentment to Contentment by Sophie Hannah. (I know! Sophie Hannah has BOTH my daughters' names as her full name!) If you are interested in grudges--and who wouldn't be???--this book is definitely for you.

Maybe you think grudges are bad. And only hard-hearted people would even consider holding a grudge. But this couldn't be further from the truth. Sophie Hannah explains how grudges can be a positive thing.

I'll give you an example of the kind of grudge this author would consider a "good" grudge.

One Thanksgiving, many years ago, we were invited to a friend's home. Our daughter Hannah was almost one year old. The friend was newly married--his second marriage--and we had been to his home before, but not for a meal. We had been instructed to bring "pies" for dessert. Although there were only 4 of us (not including our daughter who didn't eat much solid food yet) we followed the order and brought 2 pies--pumpkin and apple, I believe. I also brought some ginger glazed beets as a side dish.

The first weirdness occurred when our host--let's call him Jerry--saw the beets on the table. He became angry and asked me why I brought them. He clearly did not appreciate beets and believed they did not belong on the Thanksgiving table. This may have been due to the fact that his mother had never included beets when she prepared a Thanksgiving feast. Jerry's new wife--let's call her Katie--quickly let me know that she loved beets and thought mine were delicious.

Crisis averted. But not for long.

After we finished the main course, Jerry went into the kitchen and began washing dishes. The three adults remained at the table chatting, assuming we were taking a little break before dessert. After all, we had been assigned "pies" and had complied with that assignment. Our two pies were sitting on the kitchen counter. However, Jerry never emerged from the kitchen, never stopped washing dishes, and never spoke to us again! After maybe 20-30 minutes, Katie went into the kitchen, cut a couple of slices of pie for us to take home, and quietly--so as not to disturb Jerry's dish washing--showed us out. Jerry was somehow unable to even say goodbye to us!

At the time, we thought this was very strange, a bit disturbing, but we weren't exactly angry. More like confused. However, we also realized we had been treated rudely. Because of this, we decided we would not accept any invitations from Jerry in the future.

This is the essence of a "good" grudge, according to Sophie Hannah. A grudge is designed to help you remember instances that are worth keeping in mind for the future. A grudge helps the bearer avoid unpleasant situations and further pain and suffering.

However, a grudge does not mean you wish the person harm. Holding a grudge does not mean you must also hold onto negative emotions, like anger and hatred. That would be a "bad" grudge.

I have always been a grudge-holder. I may let go of the anger with time, but I tend to hold onto the memories of transgressions. 

What do you think of all this? Do you hold grudges? Do you believe your grudges are good or bad?